Stop Sibling Fighting: 6 Strategies to Promote Positive Sibling Relationships
Have you ever found yourself playing referee for the third time before breakfast?
As a parent of multiple children, those moments when siblings are genuinely enjoying each other can feel like magical but rare occurrences in a sea of "That's MINE!" and "MOM! He's looking at me!"
If you're exhausted from constantly mediating conflicts and wondering if your children will ever truly be friends, many other parents of siblings are right there with you. You might dream of peaceful family dinners that aren't interrupted by arguments, or car rides that don't dissolve into backseat battles over who's crossing the invisible line.
This post will guide you through practical approaches to reduce the fighting and help your children build the kind of relationships that will support them throughout their lives.
Why sibling relationships matter
Sibling relationships are incredibly important for child development. They serve as a child's first peer relationship and set the foundation for their future relationships. How siblings interact with each other is how they learn to engage with people their own age - from friends at school to future colleagues and romantic partners.
Research shows that sibling relationships impact many developmental outcomes including:
Risk behaviors in adolescence: Siblings can significantly influence each other's choices around risky behaviors. Older siblings often serve as role models, with younger siblings sometimes following their lead.
Gender development and relationship competence: Through their interactions, siblings help shape each other's understanding of gender roles and how to relate to others. These early relationship experiences become templates for future friendships and romantic relationships. Siblings practice important social skills like perspective-taking, empathy, and conflict resolution.
Health outcomes: Children in supportive sibling relationships tend to have better immune function and fewer stress-related health issues. The chronic stress from high-conflict sibling relationships can take a physical toll. Additionally, siblings often influence each other's eating habits, physical activity levels, and attitudes toward health behaviors, creating patterns that can last into adulthood.
Access to healthcare as adults: As people age, siblings often become important sources of support for accessing healthcare. Adult siblings frequently help each other navigate the healthcare system, share information about health resources, provide transportation to medical appointments, and offer emotional support during health challenges.
Is sibling rivalry normal
Many parents assume fighting between siblings is ‘normal.’ We often hear phrases like "that's just what siblings do" or "all siblings fight." But does this have to be the case?
What we permit, we promote. When we allow sibling fights to continue without intervention, we're actually encouraging this behavior to continue. This doesn't mean jumping in every time, but strategic intervention sends the message to our kids: "I think we can do better than this. I think we can find ways to meet both of your needs."
Anthropologists who study sibling relationships around the world have suggested that sibling rivalry might be a Euro-centric invention. In many cultures with strong family values, the idea of fighting over possessions isn't common because children don't have "their own" things - everything belongs to the family.
Why do siblings fight?
Understanding why siblings fight is key to addressing the problem. Here are the most common causes:
Sibling fight cause #1: Unmet needs
When children engage in difficult behaviors, it's always an attempt to meet an unmet need. Our job as parents is to be "needs detectives" to uncover what that need might be.
Common unmet needs include:
Need for connection with parents: Your child might start a fight to get your attention - even if it's negative attention!
Need to be known and understood: Children want to feel seen for who they really are. If this need isn’t met they can feel generally frustrated, and siblings’ behavior can push them over the edge
Need for fairness and justice: This doesn’t have to mean that everyone gets exactly the same, but rather that everyone’s specific needs are met.
Sibling fight cause #2: Developmental differences
In many non-Eurocentric cultures, siblings have clearly defined roles based on age or gender. Older siblings may have caretaking responsibilities for younger ones. These established roles can actually reduce conflict because everyone knows their place.
In Eurocentric cultures we value more equal relationships, which can be harder to navigate – especially for young children. Every day, they have to figure out how to interact with each other without established norms guiding them.
Sibling fight cause #3: Perceived Unfair Treatment by Parents
Children don’t like it when they think their parents are treating them unfairly. They notice discrepancies, even when parents think and say that they treat all children alike.
Parents often try to address this by making sure that each child gets exactly the same as the other (equity) - but then they’re surprised when this doesn’t address the fighting. Instead of equity, think equality: each child gets what they need to thrive. When that happens, they won’t resent the other child getting something different from them.
How to handle sibling fights
When siblings are in conflict, try these strategies:
Sibling fighting strategy #1: Create a pause before reacting
One of the most important things parents can do is create a pause between their child's behavior and their response. Instead of rushing in when you hear fighting, take a deep breath. Transfer a hair tie from one wrist to another, or look at encouraging phrases you've posted around the house.
Remind yourself that you don't have to completely fix the situation right now or teach your child a lesson at this moment. All you need to do is make sure everyone is safe.
Sibling fighting strategy #2: Focus on feelings and needs
When entering the situation, instead of saying "Stop hitting your sister!" or "Give that back, he had it first!" try something simple like: "Sounds like you're both having a hard time right now, huh?" This acknowledges what's happening without immediately taking sides or rushing to fix the problem.
Then, pause. Breathe. Sit together. Offer a hug, if either child would like one. Just be present without needing to fix anything or make anyone learn a lesson in that moment.
When everyone is re-regulated, help children identify their underlying feelings. You may find that they’re ready to move on at that point!
This approach creates space for children to move from reaction to reflection, teaching them that all emotions are acceptable while helping them develop the vocabulary to express themselves in more constructive ways.
Sibling fighting strategy #3: Have a problem-solving conversation later
Later, when everyone is calm, approach the older child and say something like: "Hey, I noticed we've been having a hard time when your toys are out in the living room. Would it be OK if we chat about it?"
Notice this approach:
Uses "we're having a hard time" not "you're doing something wrong"
Invites the child into the discussion rather than forcing it
During this conversation:
Ask what's going on for them: "What's going on for you when your sister knocks over your tower?"
Validate their feelings: "It makes sense that you're feeling frustrated about having to start all over again. Starting over when you've already put in effort is tough."
Ask them to consider their sibling's perspective: "What do you think your sister was trying to do?"
Identify everyone's needs: "So it sounds like you wanted space to build, and your sister wanted to help and be close to you."
Brainstorm solutions that meet everyone's needs: "I wonder what we could do that meets everyone's needs?" Strategies might include:
Giving the little sibling a few toys to play with
Offering a small part of the build for them to lead
Offering play time with a parent to the little sibling while the older one builds
6 Ways to foster positive sibling relationships
Building strong bonds between siblings doesn't happen by chance—it requires intentional parenting strategies and consistent support. While sibling conflict is normal and even developmentally appropriate, parents play a crucial role in shaping how children learn to navigate these relationships.
Here are six approaches to help siblings get along that can transform your home from a battleground to a training ground for lifelong friendship:
Positive relationship strategy #1: Dedicate one-on-one time
Spend predictable one-on-one time with each child where they get to decide what you do together. Even just 10 minutes daily can make a huge difference.
Make this "special time" predictable so they know it will happen regularly. This reduces their fear that they'll never get your attention again, which can lead to fighting for attention.
Positive relationships strategy #2: Teach problem-solving skills
Parents might think that they should leave young children to figure their disagreements out by themselves, but kids under 10 usually need adult support.
Parents can support siblings by helping them to understand how they each feel, what they each need, and help them come up with solutions that meet both of their needs.
Use the "I do it, We do it, You do it" approach:
First, you model problem-solving by giving them the words and asking the questions over a period of several months
Then, you work together as they start doing some of it themselves, particularly when the fight isn’t so severe and they aren’t completely dysregulated
Finally, you hand it off: "I think you have all the tools you need to solve this together. I’m here if you need support."
Positive relationships strategy #3: Talk about siblings positively
The words we use matter tremendously. When you’re talking with one child, always start by validating that child’s experience. Make it clear you get what’s hard for them. Then try to help them see things from the other child’s perspective:
“I can see you’re having a really hard time with this. You don’t like being spoken to like that, or being hit. I want you to feel safe in our house [validation]. I think your sibling has a hard time in the mornings because they like to wake up slowly, and you’re often ready to go right after you get out of bed. I wonder how we can make mornings a little bit easier for them?” [taking the other’s perspective]
Positive relationship strategy #4: Acknowledge each child's unique experience
Parents often want the older child to be sensitive to the fact that the younger child "doesn't know yet." While this is valid, we must also acknowledge how hard that must be for the older child.
If we don't acknowledge their experience, resentment builds: "I just keep being expected to put up with this behavior."
This compounds when the older child has to wait for everything because the younger sibling ‘can’t wait,’ and doesn’t get to spend time connecting with caregivers as much as they used to.
Try to empathize with the child who is struggling. It’s OK to say: “It’s really hard to be an older sibling sometimes, huh?”
Positive relationship strategy #5: Create physical solutions when needed
Some practical strategies you can try:
When your Spidey Senses tell you that things are heating up, move closer. Your supportive presence may be enough…if not, you’ll be present to stop hits if things head in that direction
Change locations to help reset emotions - even just moving to another room can help calm everyone down
Create a designated "peace table" or special spot in your home where children go to solve problems
Use physical barriers when needed (like baby gates) to create separate spaces while still allowing interaction
Positive relationship strategy #6: Talk openly about differences in treatment
Talk openly about why you might treat siblings differently. When children understand the reasons why you’re treating them differently, it becomes less of a big deal.
For example, if one child needs extra help with homework, explain this to the other child. Then mention how you make sure to attend their soccer practice like they’ve asked, because that’s meaningful to them.
What’s more important than treating each child the same is treating each child in a way that meets their needs.
Final thoughts
Building strong sibling relationships takes time and intentional effort, but the rewards are enormous. By focusing on meeting each child's needs, teaching problem-solving skills, and modeling positive conflict resolution, you can help your children develop relationships that will support them throughout their lives.
Remember that progress might be slow at first, but keep at it. As parent Adrianna shared, "I literally dreaded parenting. I counted down the minutes until I got a break. What a difference to really look forward to things I used to dread."
The skills your children learn navigating their sibling relationships will serve them in every relationship they have throughout their lives. That's worth the effort!
Turn sibling battles into cooperation without losing your cool
Are you tired of mediating endless conflicts between your children? Exhausted by behaviors that leave you feeling frustrated and questioning your parenting choices? There's a different way—one that doesn't involve constant punishment or giving in to every demand.
Join me in my FREE Setting Limits Masterclass on May 15 at 10 am PT and discover a more effective approach to setting limits. In just 90-minutes, you'll learn the real reason why your kids are resisting you (and what to do about it!) and how to nurture cooperation while maintaining your sanity.
As parent Amy said: "Our kids have been so much more helpful and we have all been so much happier without all the power struggles. What a change!"
The skills you'll learn don't just apply to sibling conflict—they'll transform how you handle all challenging behaviors!
Take the first step toward a more peaceful home where siblings know how to work through disagreements and everyone feels heard and respected.