What Is Permissive Parenting? Examples, Effects & How to Break the Cycle
Have you ever found yourself saying yes to your child’s 15th unreasonable request of the day, to avoid a meltdown? Maybe you’ve agreed to read ‘just one more story’ three times in a row, in a desperate attempt to avoid the tantrum that will follow if you say ‘no’?
If you're nodding along, you might be doing permissive parenting. It's a parenting style that's often misunderstood as simply being "the nice parent." But what happens when our desire to keep our children happy affects their long-term development?
As parents, we all want what's best for our children. We want them to feel loved, supported, and happy. But sometimes, taking the easy way can lead to unexpected challenges down the road. Let’s take a closer look at permissive parenting. We’ll discuss what it is, why some parents use this style (even when they might not want to), and how to change it.
What is permissive parenting?
Permissive parenting happens when parents respond with care to their kids' big feelings, but don’t prioritize their own feelings or needs.
Parent Diana told me: "We're trying to always meet everybody's needs...trying to figure out what is it you exactly want and what is it I exactly want, then how can we all get it?"
While this sounds wonderful in theory, Diana realized that she wasn't putting the ideal into practice. She would suggest what she wanted but would then back down: "anytime I propose something...I'm willing to negotiate on it."
Permissive parenting often happens when parents don't recognize or articulate their own needs. As Diana put it, "I'm somewhat high sensitivity...but I'm also 100% introverted, and so I really need time to myself." Yet she wasn't consistently honoring these needs in her interactions with her children.
Examples of Permissive Parenting
1. Bedtime battles: When avoiding conflict takes priority
Your three-year-old pleads for “just one more story,” and wants to tuck in every toy on their shelf. Then they demand that you lie with them for an hour, rubbing their back while you fall asleep. You agree to each new request, even though you don’t want to. All the while your rage is barely contained. You haven’t had a moment to yourself all day, and now the time you’d counted on to get some chores done and relax is slipping through your fingers.
2. Mealtime battles: Catering to picky eaters
Your five-year-old refuses to eat the nutritious meal you spent an hour preparing. You immediately get up from your own dinner to make a completely new meal for your child. You resent the double-work, but it’s easier to do it than to say ‘no’ to your child.
3. Endlessly extended screen time
Your seven-year-old spends most of their free time gaming, often playing for six hours or more on weekends. When you suggest alternate activities, your child responds with irritation or says they’ll “just do five more minutes." You accept this - and don’t say anything when you look back at the clock an hour later and your child is still playing. You don’t want to end screen time because, honestly, it’s easier if your child is occupied on the screen than making demands on you anyway.
4. You say ‘yes,’ even when you’d prefer to say ‘no’
You know you don’t want to be a strict parent. You want to have a great relationship with your child. It can seem like the easiest way to do that is to say ‘yes’ to what they ask - even when you’d really prefer to say ‘no.’ Right now, it might seem like there’s no way out of these ‘my way or your way’ battles - but this article will help you find a way to meet both of your needs!
Why do parents become permissive?
Several factors can lead parents toward permissive parenting:
1. Misunderstanding of respectful parenting
Many parents are drawn to respectful parenting approaches. They may mistakenly believe that children should never experience discomfort or disappointment. When parents validate children’s feelings without also advocating for their own needs, they can inadvertently slide into permissiveness.
2. Personality factors
Parents who are easygoing or avoid conflict often say "yes" even when they don't want to. These traits can make it challenging to stand firm when children push back against limits.
3. Trying to avoid conflict
When children respond to boundaries with big emotions or meltdowns, it's tempting to remove the boundary or limit to restore peace. Parents might give in to avoid the discomfort of a child's strong emotions. This creates a cycle. Children learn that getting upset can help them get what they want, and parents learn that it ‘isn’t worth’ setting a boundary or limit in the first place
4. Mismatched temperaments
When parents and kids have very different temperaments, it can be tough for parents to understand their child's needs. A parent who is naturally calm might not understand why certain situations trigger such intense reactions in their more sensitive or spirited child.
5. Not understanding how to meet multiple people’s needs
In a traditional view of parenting, only one person can ‘win.’ Because we fear conflict and want to support our kids, we let them ‘win’ by being permissive. Eventually we can’t stand it anymore, and then we set a BIG limit. Instead, when we find ways to meet multiple people’s needs, we can get out of the ‘you win’ (permissive parenting) or ‘I win’ (strict parenting) cycle. Both parents and children can get their needs met!
Effects of Permissive Parenting
I want to be clear that permissive parenting absolutely comes from a place of love and good intentions. Many of us fall into these patterns because we're trying to be responsive to our children's needs and emotions. But when we examine the research and what I've observed in my coaching practice, we can see several unintended outcomes:
1. Children struggle with self-regulation
Children raised with permissive parenting haven't practiced adapting to other people's needs. They may struggle with self-regulation which looks like inflexibility or entitlement. What I see is a child who doesn’t understand that other people have needs, because their parents don’t understand their own needs. Without regular opportunities to experience and work through these feelings in a supportive environment, children miss crucial opportunities to build resilience.
2. The parent-child relationship suffers
When we consistently prioritize our children's feelings above our own needs, the relationship dynamic can suffer. Parents in my coaching sessions often report feeling depleted, resentful, and even despair. This makes parents less willing to consider their child’s needs (the underlying cause of their child’s behavior), a critical step toward getting out of permissive parenting.
3. Parents and children both experience emotional costs
Both parents and children can experience emotional costs. I’ve worked with countless parents who feel trapped in cycles of guilt and self-doubt. They use boundaries and limits as first-line parenting tools, and feel hopeless when their kids push back. When they finally get sick of their kids’ behavior they explode in anger. Cycling between permissiveness and anger/strictness is very confusing for kids. They may feel scared by not being able to predict how their parent will react.
4. Potential for parental burnout
When parents don’t understand the concept of needs, they don’t know how to advocate for those needs. Many parents, especially those who were socialized as female, learned that it wasn’t OK to have or express needs so when children push back, Mom caves. Then Mom becomes exhausted, because her needs for rest and self-care always come last.
How to Move Beyond Permissive Parenting
1. Understand your needs
This is absolutely foundational. I’ve worked with a lot of parents who tell me: “Before I met you, I didn’t even know I had needs.” The most important thing to understand about needs is “My child getting in bed / eating their dinner / getting off screens” are not needs; these are strategies to meet needs. Your needs might be for things like self-care, ease, and competence in parenting. When you fight with your child over strategies, it can seem like one of you has to ‘lose’ for the other to ‘win.’ When you understand your needs, you can find strategies to meet both of your needs.
2. Articulate your needs
RIght now, you may be defaulting to boundaries and limits in an attempt to get your needs met. You might feel frustrated, angry, and resentful when your kids push back on these. When you instead say: “I’m feeling tired. I have a need for ease right now. How can we play in a way where I don’t have to think a lot?,” you might be surprised at the creative suggestions your child devises.
3. Use your judgments as information
When you find yourself thinking "my child is being rude” or “my child needs to learn that they can’t expect me to do everything for them,” you’re judging them. Judgments can be incredibly useful…in our heads! When they come out of our mouths, we get in trouble. If I were to tell you: “You’re being rude,” do you feel inspired to work with me? Probably not. I can use my judgment of your words and tone to help me understand my needs: “I have needs for respect and support.”
4. Look beyond the behavior to understand your child’s needs
When children resist, try to understand the underlying need they are expressing. For instance, a child saying "no" might be seeking autonomy or predictability. A child ‘being rude’ might be feeling exhausted or overwhelmed - just as our tone often isn’t perfect when we’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
5. Aim for the 5:1 Ratio…Or More
The Gottman Method, a research-based approach to supporting couples, suggests that we should aim for five positive interactions for every challenging one. I believe this ratio should be even greater for our children. We may have a partner as well as friends, colleagues, parents, and therapists we can turn to if we’re having a hard time. Our children have…us. This makes it even more important that most of our interactions with our kids are not about what they haven’t done or shouldn’t do. Positive interactions can be as simple as sharing a lighthearted moment or showing affection.
6. Set clear and consistent boundaries and limits
Once you’ve addressed most of the conflicts you’re having with your children through the lens of needs, it’s OK to have clear and consistent boundaries. It’s OK to say: “I’m sitting down to dinner now, and I’m not going to get up again until I’m done.”
It’s OK to say “No jumping on the couch because I hear it creaking and it might break.” Then, of course, you’re going to work to understand why your child is jumping on the couch. Do they have a need for movement? For connection with you, and they know that doing something prohibited will achieve that? From there, you can identify strategies that meet both of your needs.
Final thoughts
The journey from permissive parenting to meeting both of our needs isn't always easy. When we didn't learn that we have needs, never mind how to advocate for and meet them, it can be hard to start doing this as an adult.
In my years of research and coaching, I've seen families transform when parents realize they don't have to choose between their children's well-being and their own. We can find ways to meet everyone’s needs most of the time. In the relatively few instances where meeting needs is difficult, boundaries and limits are still appropriate tools. When we use each tool where it is most effective, we create family systems where everyone can thrive.
Parenting isn't about perfection—it's about connection, understanding, and growth. Your needs matter, your child's needs matter, and together, you can cultivate a family environment where both can be honored and met.
Breaking the Cycle: Setting Loving and Effective Limits
If your child resists or ignores your requests, and you find yourself desperate for cooperation, you're not alone.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we’ll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. You’ll go beyond the permissive > big strict limit cycle to find parenting strategies that truly meet both of your needs.. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Sign up now to take the workshop with my support starting Wednesday May 7!