When Children Threaten Parents: Understanding and Responding
The root cause of these threats may not be screens and other kids in your child's class...
“If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore.”
Said to a sibling: “If you don’t come and sit down, I'll take your toy.”
“If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you.”
Has your child ever threatened to hurt you, either physically or emotionally, because you set a limit on their behavior? If so, you’re not alone.
These situations can feel especially confusing if you’ve never modeled threatening behavior yourself. So, where do these threats come from, and how can we respond in ways that help rather than harm?
In this post, we’ll explore why children under age ten sometimes resort to threats, how we can address the behavior constructively, and what steps we can take to prevent it from recurring.
(Note: if your child is making credible threats of serious physical harm against you and you believe they might carry it out, please contact a domestic violence hotline in your country.)
Understanding Why Children Threaten
Let’s take a look at the reasons why children make threats. On a recent podcast episode I took an in-depth look at a situation where a 3.5-year-old had said: “You’re not listening to my words! I will rip you to shreds!” and “I will shatter your eyeballs!” when the parent said she wouldn’t lie with him for bedtime. The parent said she had no idea where the child could have come up with these highly specific violent threats.
But we didn’t have to look far to find the source of the threats: the parent explained that the child had been “rude and obstinate” that evening, so the parent told the child: “You can work on showing me you can be a better listener and be respectful, or you can do what you’re doing and put yourself to bed.”
Of course, the parent didn’t threaten violence on the child, but the structure of “If you don’t do this, I will do something you don’t like” is clearly there. And the action the parent selected – leaving the child to put themselves to bed when the parent normally lies with the child as he falls asleep – was designed to create the emotional pain of worry and fear in the child, to gain the child’s compliance.
So the child has now learned: When you want someone to do something and it looks like they won’t do it, it’s appropriate to threaten to hurt them. Thus: “If you won’t lie in bed with me like you usually do, I’ll rip you to shreds and shatter your eyeballs.”
Each person in this interaction wants the other to ‘listen’ – which is really code for ‘do what I want.’ The adult made the first threat in this interaction, but somehow only the child’s behavior is perceived to be a problem.
What To Do After Your Child Has Threatened You
When I’m thinking about how to respond to my child, I find it helpful to imagine myself in a similar situation with another adult. We might think: “Well, I would never threaten another adult so the question is irrelevant!” But is that really the case?
Maybe you’ve never made threats like:
“If you don’t do X, I’m leaving you”
“If you don’t apologize, you won’t get any more sex”
“If you don’t ask me before spending money, I’ll cut you off financially”
“If you don’t stop seeing your friends, I won’t let you go out anymore”
But maybe you’ve used implied threats like:
“You’ll be sorry.”
“You just wait.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“You’re going to wish you hadn’t said that.”
What would cause you to make a threat like this? Chances are it’s because you feel either very angry or very scared. Your needs for trust, safety, and/or respect are not being met in the interaction, and the threat is your ‘last stand’ to communicate that message.
How would you want the other person to respond in this interaction?
Would you want them to escalate, with a threat of their own? “Well if you do that, then I’ll just…!”
What if they responded with a ten-minute lecture about how ‘we’ shouldn’t make threats, and that making threats won’t get you what you want?
Or would you want them to take a deep calming breath, look you in the eye, and say quietly: “Wow. You must feel really hurt to say something like that to me. I’m sorry the conversation turned out this way. Can we take a few minutes to calm down and then talk?”
Our children are people too.
They want us to respond like that as well.
So in the example where the child threatened to rip us to shreds and shatter our eyeballs, rather than escalate or lecture, we could say something like:
“We’ve had such a hard time tonight, haven’t we? Did you feel scared when I said I wouldn’t lie down with you as you fall asleep? Is that why you said those things to me? I’m so sorry I said it. Would you like a hug?”
This response shifts the focus from the threat to the child’s feelings and invites repair for what was really a problem between the two of us, not just a problem with the child’s behavior. Then we can work to understand what need the child was trying to meet when they made the threat.
What To Do When You Didn’t Threaten Your Child
In the shattering-your-eyeballs example, the parent had made the initial threat that sent the conversation into a tailspin. There will be times when your child makes the threat first and you aren’t dysregulated yourself – so there’s no need for an apology or repair.
Parent Kitty in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group says that their child will say: “Give me candy or I’ll hit you.”
Kitty usually responds: “if you don’t hit me and can wait 15 minutes, I’ll serve candy with dinner. Unfortunately there’s no candy for hitters if you choose that route.”
The child has threatened, and the ‘if’ in the second sentence tells us that Kitty has responded with a threat as well. Kitty has also tried to create a solution that works for both them and their child, but this is really hard to do when we don’t understand the child’s need! Perhaps they do have needs for food, joy, and indulgence – but they might also have a need for autonomy – especially if we’ve already said ‘no’ to a lot of things that day. If this is the case, and we’re going to serve candy with dinner in 15 minutes anyway, would it really be so terrible to just serve it now instead?
If the child is making threats like this on a regular basis, especially related to sugar/snack foods and/or screen time, I’d want to have a conversation with the child about how much candy/screen time they’re having over an entire day and work on an agreement about that, rather than dealing with it on a case-by-case basis.
Key Turning Points: Preventing Threats
1. Identify Warning Signs Early
Threats rarely come out of nowhere. Children often display subtle signs of dysregulation throughout the day, such as slow compliance, eye-rolling, or a resistant tone. These behaviors signal growing frustration or unmet needs. From our perspective as parents, we often focus on the task the child isn’t doing – and now the ‘attitude’ they’re giving us.
Maybe our parents used to say that we were giving them ‘attitude.’ But were we really? Or were we just trying to protest our needs not being met, and our parents’ inability (or unwillingness) to see that?
A few months ago I worked with parent Kendra, whose 11-year-old had been diagnosed with both ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). He would resist getting dressed and ready for school, and Kendra was about at the end of her rope with cajoling, nagging, and eventually yelling at him to get ready. Kendra wanted to create a culture of love and mutual respect in her family, but culture is created in everyday moments, not just on outings and vacations. The culture of Kendra’s home didn’t match her intent.
One day, when her son was definitely not getting ready for school, Kendra could have launched into yet another lecture about taking responsibility for himself…or threatened: “If you don’t get ready for school, you won’t get screen time tonight.”
Instead, she went into his room and said: “What’s going on? Do you need help?” Her son got up, walked over to her, gave her a hug, and said “No, Mom, I can do it.” And he got ready to go by himself.
Kendra hadn’t required her son to change his behavior. By meeting him with compassion and empathy, she met his need for support and understanding – so then he was willing to help her meet her needs for ease and collaboration.
2. Rethink Punitive Responses
When children threaten, it’s tempting to respond with strict consequences or threats of our own. However, punitive approaches often backfire, reinforcing the very behavior we want to eliminate. For example, telling a child: “If you don’t start being a good listener and being respectful then you’ll lose bedtime stories” mirrors the kind of transactional thinking that led to their threat in the first place.
Instead, consider how your words might sound to them. Imagine coming home from a hard day at work and hearing your partner say: “If you don’t take the trash out right now, I won’t talk to you for the rest of the evening.” You’d likely feel frustrated and annoyed, even if the request was reasonable.
Now imagine if your partner said, “You’ve had a tough day. It’s trash day tomorrow. Would it be easier for you to take it out or to get started on dinner?”
Going one step further: what if we had responded in a slightly snappy tone when our partner said ‘good morning’ to us. They heard that tone and replied: “Are you OK? Did you not sleep well? I know you have a big day today. How about I take out the trash tonight and pick up a pizza on the way home?”
Wouldn’t it feel amazing to be seen and known and understood like that? Our children are people too, so they want to be seen, known and understood like that as well.
3. Avoid the Dangers of When…Then
Parents practicing Gentle Parenting or Respectful Parenting often try to replace the transactional “If you…then we…” (“If you don’t brush your teeth then we won’t have time for stories”) with “When we…then we…” (“When you’ve brushed your teeth, we can read stories”). But if we’re requiring the child to brush their teeth in both scenarios, nothing has really changed—we’re still using our power to gain their compliance.
If “When we’ve brushed teeth” means I’m willing to brush your teeth FOR you, then we’re coming toward them a bit with the ‘we’ and helping the child to meet needs for ease when they’re tired. You might get away with: “When we…then we…” to camouflage a demand with a toddler, but eventually they’re going to realize that your strategy still doesn’t meet their need and resist you again.
‘Giving choices’ falls prey to the same problem - when parents only offer options that meet their needs, without considering the child’s needs.
Instead we can try to understand why the child is resisting brushing their teeth. Are they feeling bored? Is it uncomfortable? Are they trying to meet a need for autonomy, and they want to have more of a say over when/where/how the brushing happens? When we understand and address their need, they don’t resist – or threaten.
When our children threaten us, we may feel alarmed and even scared. But these moments are not the end of the story—they’re an invitation to look deeper. Threats often stem from unmet needs for connection, autonomy, or security, and when we respond with curiosity about the child’s unmet needs, we demonstrate (rather than just telling them) how much we love and care about them.
By modeling calmness, validating their emotions, and addressing the root causes of their behavior, we show them that relationships are built on respect and care, even in tough moments. Over time, these interactions can lead to a stronger bond and fewer conflicts, as children learn that they don’t need to use threats to be seen or heard.
Remember, this isn’t about being a perfect parent. It’s about showing up—listening, repairing, and growing together. When we meet our children with empathy and recognize the needs beneath their words, we help them build skills for life and create a foundation of trust and connection that can weather any storm.
If you’re struggling with your triggered feelings in response to your child’s threats (and other difficult behavior), I’d love to see you in the FREE Why You’re So Angry With Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior - and What To Do About It (without stuffing down your feelings and pretending you aren’t angry) masterclass. Yep, it’s a mouthful - but as we say in England: It does what it says on the tin.
You’ll learn:
The five real causes of your triggered feelings (sneak peek: this isn't really about your child's behavior!)
How to be calm in the moments when your child pushes your buttons (without having to stuff your feelings down and pretend you aren't angry)
How to heal intergenerational trauma instead of passing it on to your kids - even if you aren't perfect!
Get all the info in a 36-minute recording to watch whenever you like, and then join me for FREE live Q&A and coaching on Thursday February 6 from 10-11am Pacific.