Why You're Triggered by Your Partner - And What to Do About It

You developed your defense mechanisms as a child, but they aren’t serving you anymore. Learn how to heal your hurts and feel triggered less often.

(Caption: Person with long hair screaming. Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash)

Parent Laurie never thought she would be the kind of person who yelled at her partner over something as small as a box of Goldfish crackers. But there she was, fuming with rage, shouting at her husband, Jordan, because he had absentmindedly left the crackers on the counter. It wasn’t just about the mess – they’d been trying to get rid of mice, and leaving crackers out wouldn’t help. It’s a pretty easy leap from there to thoughts like: He doesn’t respect how hard I work. He expects me to clean up after him. The mice are my problem…just like every other thing that happens in this household.

In reality, Jordan wasn’t deliberately being inconsiderate—he had simply forgotten the crackers. But Laurie’s reaction was far more intense than the situation seemed to call for. This wasn’t really about Goldfish crackers; it was about something much deeper. It was about the invisible weight she carried—the exhaustion of parenting, the sense that she was alone in managing the household, and the resentment that had been building for months.

If you’ve ever found yourself having an outsized reaction to something your partner did—or didn’t do—you’re not alone. Triggers in relationships are common, and they often have little to do with the present moment. Instead, they are shaped by past experiences, stress, and deeply ingrained emotional patterns.

So why do these small things set us off? And more importantly, what can we do about it? Laurie’s story - which we explored in a lot more detail in a recent podcast episode - gives us a window into how triggers develop, why they feel so overwhelming, and how we can start responding differently.

The Origins of Your Triggered Feelings Toward Your Partner

Triggers in relationships are often linked to our nervous system's fight-or-flight response. When we perceive a threat—whether it's a dismissive comment, lack of support, or an unmet expectation—our brain activates our survival instincts. This can lead to intense emotions that feel out of proportion to the situation at hand.

Research in attachment theory suggests that our early childhood experiences shape how we respond to stress in relationships. If you grew up in an environment where emotional needs were not consistently met, you might develop hypersensitivity to certain behaviors in adulthood. This is why something as simple as a forgotten task can seem like rejection—it echoes a deeper fear of not being seen and understood for who you really are.

Both the actions that trigger us and our immediate reaction may originate in what we learned when we were young. Perhaps our parents constantly criticized us and we could never do anything right. We weren’t allowed to answer back – so instead we learned to mentally and emotionally shut down to protect ourselves. Today, our partner criticizes us and we’re immediately reminded of that old pain – so we shut down to protect ourselves again.

It’s important to know that feeling triggered is the result of being reminded of past trauma. You may feel flooded if you’re sleep deprived and overreact to your partner, but this isn’t the result of trauma – although the physical, mental, and emotional experience can be very similar.

The Story You Tell Yourself Can Trigger You More

One of the biggest realizations Laurie had was how much the story she told herself about Jordan influenced her reactions. When she saw those crackers left out, she didn’t just see a simple mistake. Her mind jumped right into the stories about Jordan’s lack of respect and how she was carrying the weight of the household.

These stories can cause us a lot of pain. As we’re telling them, we believe we know the single correct interpretation of what happened and why it happened. In a podcast episode I described how three magical words (“I’m thinking that…”) can dramatically shift these kinds of stories. These words help you to create some distance between you and your thoughts, so they don’t seem quite as overwhelming. From there, it may be possible for you to acknowledge that there’s another perspective on this story. You don’t even have to know what your partner was thinking or why they were thinking it. The idea that there is another story than the one you've been telling can help you to release some tension.

The Power of the Pause in Stopping Your Triggered Feelings

Before Laurie started doing this work, her reaction to triggers was immediate and intense. The rage would take over, and she’d lash out at Jordan. But as she began recognizing her triggers, she learned to pause before reacting. She could use the physical signs in her body – things like shoulder tightness, throat constriction, or a sense of nausea - to know that a trigger was on the way.

Then as she started telling her stories about what was happening, why it was happening, and how it was everyone else’s problem but hers, she could use the magic trick to ask herself:

• What story am I telling myself about this situation?

• Is that story true?

• What else could be going on here?

That pause gave her space to respond differently. Instead of attacking Jordan, she could communicate her feelings in a way that invited connection rather than conflict.

Recognizing Fake Feelings Helps You To Reframe Your Triggers

Another shift for Laurie was understanding the difference between real feelings and what we call fake feelings—which are actually judgments in disguise. We’re accustomed to saying things like: I feel abandoned, but this is not really a feeling.

I feel abandoned is a judgment of how the other person’s actions affected us. When we say I feel abandoned to another person, they hear the judgment and criticism in our words and overreact themselves.

We can learn to identify the real feelings under the judgments: I feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed. I feel hurt that you don't see my pain.

By sharing her real feelings, Laurie could describe her experience without putting Jordan on the defensive. This made it easier for them to work together, rather than getting stuck in blame and resentment.

The Role of Stress and Burnout in Triggered Reactions

External stressors also play a huge role in our reactions to our partners. Sleep deprivation, the resentment over the loss of her career as she became a stay-at-home parent, and the mental load of managing her children’s needs compounded Laurie's stress.

Stress can come from many sources, like work pressure, financial strain, and lack of sleep. When your nervous system is constantly in overdrive, even small inconveniences can feel overwhelming. This is why it’s so crucial to prioritize rest, relaxation, and activities that restore you. Whether it’s a few minutes of deep breathing, a short walk outside, or journaling, finding ways to regulate your nervous system can make a huge difference how you feel about yourself, as well as how you respond to your partner.

How to Communicate When You Feel Triggered

When you’re in the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to communicate in a way that leads to resolution rather than escalation. Here are some techniques that can help:

1. Get in touch with your senses – Taking a few deep breaths, touching soft fabric, or looking out the window for a minute can help lower your stress response before you speak.

2. Use non-judgmental observations and real feelings – Instead of saying, “I feel ignored because you never listen to me,” try, “I feel scared when I share something and don’t get a response.”

3. Ask clarifying questions – Instead of assuming intent, ask, “Can you help me understand why you did that?”

4. Take a break if needed – It’s okay to step away and return to the conversation when you feel calmer. Try to communicate when you’ll return before you step away.

5. Set boundaries – If your partner is engaging in behavior that repeatedly triggers you, decide on an appropriate boundary and communicate it clearly. This might be something like: “If you tell me it was my fault, I’ll leave the room.”

Rebuilding Connection

Laurie had had a big fight with Jordan the morning we talked. At the end of our conversation I coached her on how to begin the process of repairing with him when she saw him later that afternoon. She had the astonishing realization that she often picks fights with him because when they’re fighting, she knows he cares about her. He engages with her. It’s better than the alternative of thinking he doesn’t care about her. (And how many times do our kids do exactly the same thing with their own ‘difficult’ behavior?)

Laurie’s transformation wasn’t just about avoiding conflict—it was about rebuilding connection. Once she started to feel triggered less often, she and Jordan started finding little ways to enjoy each other again. They would send each other playful texts or share a song that reminded them of their early days together. These small moments helped shift their dynamic from one of constant tension to one of mutual appreciation.

Reconnecting with your partner doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. Even small daily rituals—like a morning hug, a check-in during the day, or sitting together for five minutes before bed—can create a sense of closeness.

You might be waiting for your partner to come toward you…but they may be waiting for you to come toward them. Every time they ask you a question or start a conversation about something that interests you both, they’re making a bid for connection with you. When you respond positively to those bids, you build closeness and reduce tension between you. You can make bids of your own as well, starting with actions you think your partner will receive well. The goodwill you build up may reduce your triggered feelings, and make it easier for the two of you to recover when you are still triggered.

Moving Beyond Your Triggered Reactions

Laurie’s story shows us that change is possible. Triggered reactions don’t have to control your relationship. With awareness and small shifts, you can build a partnership rooted in understanding and connection rather than frustration and resentment. Healing takes time, but the effort is worth it for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

If you're ready to do this work, I’d love to see you in the FREE Why You’re So Angry With Your Child’s Age-Appropriate Behavior - and What To Do About It masterclass. You get immediate access to a 36 minute recording packed with insights on why you’re triggered so often.

Then join me for a FREE group coaching call on Thursday February 6 from 10-11am Pacific (we’ll send you a recording if you can’t attend live!). We’ll answer your questions about your unique triggers, and coach one lucky participant – it could be you! We’ll also give away a spot in the Taming Your Triggers workshop, which opens for enrollment on Sunday February 9.

I hope to see you on Thursday!